The 2016 presidential election is a mere 445 days away, so naturally the entire nation is talking about who’s going to be the next leader of the free world (You seriously need to chill, America.)
In the months leading up to the primaries, the press has a field day following each candidate’s every move, from chowing down on corn dogs at the Iowa State Fair to making outlandish remarks at the podium. I wanted to join in on the fun because this might be a tennis blog, but that doesn’t mean we can’t talk politics. Here’s the ranking of POTUS hopefuls based on their tennis ability because you definitely don’t want a prez who can’t hit a topspin serve.
* Note: these rankings are based on tennis ability only and do not reflect my own political views. I really cannot emphasize this enough.
1. Jeb Bush
Pretty much all the Bushes play tennis, and Jeb was actually captain of the University of Texas varsity team. I really don’t feel like digging through the UT athletics archives to find Jeb’s win-loss record, so no word on how good he actually was. I do have this quote from Jeb’s friend about an overhead smash that he once saw the tennis star hit: “It was like, ker-blam! It bounced so high it went on the roof.” Ker-blam, you say? That’s impressive.
2. Donald Trump
WOW. That video is major lolz. I’m ranking Trump second because he sorta-kinda had a two-shot rally with Serena Williams, which is more than any of us can say. The power on that forehand is pretty solid. Footwork not great, but I’ll cut him some slack and blame it on the constrictive suit.
3. Bobby Jindal
Jindal played tennis competitively throughout high school, but that’s about the only information I can find on the matter. I’m gonna assume he’s decent because Wikipedia never lies.
4. Hillary Clinton
Okay, I have zero evidence that Hillary Clinton has ever played tennis in her life, but according to her friend Phyllis, Hillz promised she would play tennis with her if she didn’t go for the presidency. This is all hearsay from a People magazine article, but apparently Hillary said: “Hmm. Should I run for president or play tennis with Phyllis? I think it would be easier to run for president. I think you are very competitive.” Phyllis must be a pretty damn good tennis player for Hillary to back down so fast. (Btw, Is anyone else picturing Phyllis from The Office in this scenario?) I also included this photo of the former Secretary wearing a visor because I can totally picture her rocking this look on the courts.
5. All the other candidates
Last Place: Ted Cruz
Cruz apparently tried to play tennis once to impress his boss and sucked beyond belief. In a memoir, the Texas senator wrote that the justice for whom he clerked purposely hired skilled tennis players and actually required that they play tennis with him as part of the job. In an effort to fit in, Cruz hired a coach, took lessons and still lost the doubles matches he played against the Justice and top clerk 6-0, 6-0, 6-0. (Then the Justice begrudgingly gave Cruz his partner so the teams would be more fair.) Shoulda hired a coach from MyTennisLessons.com, Ted.
