Last night American professional tennis player Sam Querrey was on the Bravo show The Millionaire Matchmaker, which meant that I could shamelessly watch reality TV and call it “something I had to do for work.”
If you’re unfamiliar with Millionaire Matchmaker, the show’s premise is basically in the title. Professional matchmaker Patti Stanger helps only those who make $1 million or more find love. Honestly, I feel like those who are in the top 0.1 percent have no trouble finding dates, but whatever. The show gives us in the 99.9 percent something to do whilst trolling Tinder. As Paul McCartney would say, “Money can’t buy me love,” except that it can.
In this particular episode of Matchmaker, Patti counsels Sam along with former Real Housewife of Atlanta Sheree Whitfield, who basically came across as the most unpleasant person ever, so we won’t talk about her much.
The episode begins with Sam introducing himself to America and blaming travel and his hectic tennis schedule as reasons he’s still single. Then the camera cuts to him playing tennis on a beautiful private court in sunny California so that we’re reminded of his profession and that he has money. (Tbh Sam Querrey only made around $73,000 in prize money this year, so I’m not sure where the other $927,000 is coming from.)
The audience is then forced to watch unathletic Patti Stanger play tennis with her client for a few minutes before the two sit courtside to discuss finding his “match off the court.” Sam tells Patti his celeb crushes are Taylor Swift and Selena Gomez and that he likes an outdoorsy yet girly girl, which is the most confusing type I’ve ever heard because Tay and Selena could not be more opposite in looks, and girls who wear hiking boots don’t like high heels. Then Patti makes Sam promise like 1,000 times that he’s looking for a partner for life, not just a hookup, before she agrees to take him on as a client.
The part where Patti interviews Sam’s potential matches is the most entertaining because the woman shows no mercy. We meet Jennifer, who was nixed because of her wardrobe choice after Patti tells her “Don’t put a bow on your tits, ever,” along with a girl who claims to be a good singer, but is also rejected by Patti after she belts out one chorus. Eventually, Patti selects four women to go on dates with Sam: Kylie, a ballet dancer who is proclaimed to be “perfect;” Leah, a T-Swift look-alike; Shannon, an “outdoorsy” girl; and another girl whose name I forget, but is vaguely Latina and apparently resembles Selena Gomez.
In the next part of the show, Sam goes a speed-dating spree with the four girls on a luxurious yacht. He first talks to tall, blonde Leah, who I thought he would pick for sure. After their conversation, he tells the camera, “Leah and I would definitely have basketball babies,” at which point I wished Patti had intervened and told him to slow down because he literally just met this girl. Also, don’t you mean tennis babies, Sam? You’re a traitor to your own sport. In all honesty though, I was pretty impressed by how Sam behaved on each of his “dates.” He asked good questions and seemed super engaged in what the girls were saying. Of course, anyone would come across as an angel in comparison to Patti’s other client Sherree, who looked like she was getting a root canal, not talking to wealthy, successful men on a yacht.
Sam eventually picks ballerina Kylie because he thinks she’s “really pretty” and has family values. I wonder which one of those qualities he found more important? I would say it’s her values. On their first date Sam takes Kylie to do archery in a wooded area because he wants to see if she is outdoorsy/girly enough for him. The two make a cheesy wager that whoever hits the target first gets a kiss on the cheek from the other. Kylie loses and gives Sam two kisses on the cheek because she’s Italian, so I guess that means she’s more generous.
Next Sam takes Kylie to dinner at the worst restaurant he could have possibly chosen. Instead of going to one of the hundreds of top-tier eateries in the Los Angeles area, he takes her to The Melting Pot, a fondue chain that would have been a suitable choice if they lived in rural Oklahoma. I think Sam just wanted to watch Kylie put sticks in her mouth and my suspicions were confirmed when he insisted on feeding her the fondue. Then he leaned over the table and kissed her right after she swallowed a mouthful of cheese. Bold move, Sam. After the date Sam and Kylie do an interview and talk about how much they like each other, which would have been significantly more entertaining if one person was like, “Nah, I wasn’t really feeling it.”
In the final scene of the episode, Sam talks to Patti about his date and tells her that he and Kylie kissed, which makes Patti and her assistants giggle with delight. He then proclaims Kylie to be “wife material” and the postscript tells us that Sam and Kylie have been seeing each other regularly since meeting on Matchmaker. I couldn’t find any information to confirm or deny this claim, so let’s all pretend they’re going to get married and feel happy for Sam.